Anheuser-Busch in St. Louis, MO

We don’t find many bourbon-centric beers in Montana. I’m not sure why this is, especially considering Montana’s love for whiskey. However, when we find a beer at our favorite local beer market with a description like so, we’re very pumped:

During even the coldest of weather, warm up to the smooth, robust taste of our Winter’s Bourbon Cask Ale. Full of rich aromas that you find in the winter months, hints of vanilla and flavorful hops, this is a beer that is great for pouring into a large tulip glass and enjoying with friends around a fireplace.

Yes, please, serve us a big–nay, a HUGE tulip glass and let us sit before a bonfire and have our way with a delicious vanilla and bourbon beer. Fantastic, we think. But then we read the label: Michelob. Now, we’d been hearing for awhile now that Michelob has branched out into the craft brewing market with a tasty pumpkin ale, and other beverages that we’ve actually heard some good things about. So what the hell–it’s Christmas and we want some warm, Christmasy beers, and we’re in the mood for some good cheer and ho ho ho etc. We decided to throw out our dislike for Anheuser-Busch and to give Winter’s Bourbon Cask Ale a try.

Right off the bat, it was like we had the wrong beer poured in this Winter’s Bourbon bottle. I was expecting a dark, thick beer to come drooling out of the bottle. Instead, we got a rather watery and super translucent apple cider-colored concoction that didn’t have any sort of bourbon smell wafting from the glass. The nose on the beer wasn’t anything too special either, with some touches of vanilla being crowded out by an almost manufactured hop smell. But the real kicker was the taste. I try not to be too hard on beers, even if I don’t like them, but this brew deserves a scolding. A slippery and slimy mouthfeel was complimented with the strangest, artificial, and downright repugnant taste I have ever found in a beer. Fighting through just a half glass of this clunker was hard enough. To stay in the Christmas mood, imagine shoving a plastic Christmas tree that has been smothered in artificial vanilla extract, and then forcefully and carelessly rammed down your throat. Trust me, this beer is maybe even worse than that.

Sometimes on Christmas, you get a wonderful new 56″, LCD television under the tree. But sometimes, you also find Uncle Warren’s famous cheese puff and apple chip fruitcake. This Winter’s Bourbon Cask Ale? Yeah, it’s the damn cheese puff fruitcake. If you find this beer underneath your tree, we suggest acting nice about receiving it–it’s the right thing to do. But, after everyone has left, take your 6-pack up on the roof and have a contest with your friends and family to see who can chuck into your neighbor Ron’s Christmas Castle of Wonderment. You’d get more enjoyment out of it that way than we did having to drink this gross thing.