Great Lakes Brewing Co. in Cleveland, OH

I made a great new friend this week: Great Lakes Blackout Stout.

The only reason to visit Cleveland.

But before I tell you why Blackout Stout is the best thing that’s been exported from Cleveland since Lebron James, let me get in a quick word about imperial stouts.

Folks, we’re living through an arms race of stouts — a Cold War of Russian Imperial Stouts, if you will. Everywhere you turn, a brewer is pushing the limits of what you thought this style could be. Stouts with bourbon, maple, oak, chocolate, and coffee varieties, to name a few of the more pleasant flavors, have gained acclaim lately, in no small part because beer geeks – especially those on uber-popular sites like Beer Advocate, Rate Beer, and BarBEERians – prefer these robust, complex, and highly alcoholic beers. Concoct an imperial stout that makes it on to one of these sites’ top beer lists, and your brewery just struck black gold.

But I’m a simple man. I like long walks on the beach, documentaries, and bureaucracy. And while I love the occasional Kentucky Breakfast Stout, I also like classic imperial stouts without the overpowering whiskey, coffee, and wooden flavors.

Blackout Stout is that back-to-the-basics beer. A 9.0 percent ABV stout, Blackout is a high-octane explosion of dark roasted malt, with subtle undertones of chocolate and molasses. More importantly, it has none of those fuselage flavors that have crept into some high-ABV beers nowadays. It’s just a smooth, thick stout that beautifully rings its way down your glass.

With Blackout, Great Lakes Brewing Company proves that keeping it simple can sometimes be enough. Maybe there is hope for Cleveland after all.

Green Flash Brewing Co. in San Diego, CA

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but now that I’ve lived in Washington, D.C. for a little over six months, I can definitively say it: Thank God the East Coast beer scene is a little dull. That’s not to say there aren’t a lot of great beers out here, because there certainly are, but it means that bars in the area scrounge every corner of the globe to find beers that make up for the lack of a dominant section of the East that can exert its beer dominance. So there’s never a lack of quality beers from breweries that I’ve never heard from before, much like the Green Flash Brewing Company in San Diego, CA. Though we are far from the season here in D.C., stouts are out in greater abundance than tourists hoping to walk into Obama’s big ol’ White House. And when I found a double stout at a great local bar, Churchkey, for under an arm and a leg, I dove into the Green Flash Double Stout, even though the temperature was pressing 100. I like taking risks, you know?

Oh, and hey, everyone. I’m back!

Churchkey’s interior is a little darker than I might like from my favorite beer bar, but sometimes it’s nice not being bombarded with loud music and drunk interns looking for the best happy hour special, so it’s a little hard to say what the Double Stout looked like after pouring. I think it’s safe to say we were looking at something around pitch-black (can we just go with opaque stout at this point? You know what we’re getting at) with a rather delectable and frothy hazelnut-colored head that might have stuck around until the bar closed. The smell was slightly muted, but there were was a sprinkling of malt and maybe some molasses. Not often can I say a beer’s texture trumped its flavor, but with the Double Stout, that’s exactly what happened. A quick burst of feisty bitterness kicked in right upfront, but was soon supplanted by a ballooning feeling of a froth-laden dark malt flavor that dug deep into the tongue. That explosion of flavor might be due to the balancing created with the carbonation, something definitely worth mentioning, but whatever it was, I’ve never had a beer that felt like it expanded so much. Regardless, the dry malt flavor really does linger for as long as you want to stare at the thick lacing the head left on the sides of the glass.

Maybe this isn’t the best beer for a day when taking a shower outside is possible without the rain even falling, but the Green Flash Double Stout is a worthy beer that will satisfy a stout fan. I was surprised to find the beer thinning out a little bit as it warmed up, but this little guy still packed a punch even after some wrangling. And I’ll still take a stout over a summer beer any day. After all, San Diego never has a stout season. So drink this one now for full effect.

Sixpoint Craft Ales in Brooklyn, New York

Sitting down to watch the United States vs. Canada hockey finals for the Olympics, we were left with a quandary: what beer to drink? We wanted something special, but also something we could drink during the game and not end up too drunk to pay attention to the third period. Turns out the best way to do that is to drink a smattering of different beers, which is exactly what we did. We started off with a real treat of an ale: the Bolshoi Imperial Stout from Sixpoint Craft Ales. We weren’t exactly sure what it was at the time. It was in a waxed dipped bottle without a label, but after some twittering with the folks over at Sixpoint, we discovered it was a four year aged bottle of the Bolshoi Imperial Stout! What a great surprise this was. I’m guessing it is pretty hard to get your hands on a bottle of this, but man, if the opportunity comes up, do it!

Between the dark bottle and not knowing what sort of beer was in the bottle, this one was certainly an adventure. The stout itself was black enough to block out the sun, if I were to pick a color it would have to be total eclipse. Wafting from the espresso foam head was a delectably sweet aroma of malty chocolate and almond with some charred coffee going on to. It was a very complex nose, and I’m sure I have missed some of it, so feel free to drop us a line and let us know what you thought. As alluring as the smell was, it didn’t compare to the rounded, balanced taste of the Bolshoi. The blitz of sweet booze opened up into a garden of bitter bakers chocolate, heavily roasted coffee, and some berry/cherry flavor. It had a smooth, heavy mouth feel, but totally pleasant.

I wish I could tell you all to go out and pick a bottle of this up, but alas, I couldn’t even tell you where to begin looking. It was a superb brew. Congratulation to you guys up there at Sixpoint. We’ll be out there in a few months and plan on stopping in.

Oskar Blues Brewery in Lyons, CO

A stout in a can. Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a stout in a can. No, Guinness does not count. Now raise your hand if you’ve ever had a rich, fulfilling, imperial stout in a can. Right, I didn’t think so. When I came across a four-pack of cans of some wicked-sounding imperial stout in a can (we’re talking 10.5% ABV here) called Ten Fidy Imperial Stout from the Oskar Blues Brewery in Colorado, I was slightly intrigued, but more a little worried and discouraged by the can. My only really good beer memories with cans hearken back to long Friday nights in college with tasteless and watered-down American domestics. I obviously don’t remember those experiences because of the beer, but the stigma attached can resonates with hangovers, beer pong, and bad decisions. Luckily, my temporary roommate decided to take the plunge and pick up the mini-pack of cans after hearing good things about the beer. Well, for any doubters about beers not named Natty Light in cans, take note–this beer is legit.Pouring a dark beer out of a can is already a rather strange experience. I’m not sure why I was expecting a lightly-colored water to trickle out of the glass, or why this is all too fascinating to me but when I tipped the glass to the side and poured in the Ten Fidy Imperial, I was blown away by the richness and the color. The only comparison I can make is that it felt like I was dumping a can of Hershey’s chocolate syrup into a pint glass. This really was going to be some rich stuff. The frothy and dark-cream head would have hung out on that beer until the next new Millennium, and the smell was a sweet and creamy malt sprinkling. The taste reflected much of the smell and appearance, with a wonderfully sweet and creamy flavor rush blasting onto the taste buds. An expected paint coat of roasted and toasted malt got slathered on near the end of the tasting. Further sips showed an even sweeter and more pronounced beer, with a flavor of a rich chocolate shake commanding the front notes. I would almost give this more of a cream label than an imperial one but whatever they want to call it, this is one delectable beer with more layers than just a standard sweet stout.

It was only after the beer warmed a bit that I started to notice the heavy dose of alcohol in it, but the booze was certainly never overpowering or biting. As far as my prejudice goes for drinking stouts out of a can, I think all reservations are clearly gone. This is just as great as a bottle, and there’s no reason more breweries shouldn’t continue to expand into cans. Waiting to have my first great IPA in can form now.

Bell’s Brewing Company in Kalamazoo, MI

I think I’ve been too kind lately. I really can’t remember throwing two glowing reviews up on the site before now. I try to be more than a little critical when it comes to beer. After all, there are a lot of brews out there, so there’s no reason for me to waste your time with saying, “Yeah, this beer is just fine; you should drink it,” when I really think it’s bad. Mediocrity has no place in the beer tasting world. Take a look at any great beer store and count the number of beers you’ve never had. Hopefully that number is in the hundreds, and hopefully, I can pick out 10% of those that are significantly better than OK. The rest we shouldn’t have to deal with. So when I find a beer I really like, I have a need to share my love with the world in the form of an overly verbose feature on said fantastic beer. Enter Bell’s Batch 9000, the newest edition to the Bell’s x000s series correlating to the number of batches of beer they’ve made. I remember trying Bell’s Batch 8000 at Ashley’s in Ann Arbor with who would eventually become my girlfriend. She loved the Imperial Witbier; I thought it was beyond disgusting. So when I heard about Batch 9000 and how it was to be a Imperial Stout-esque beer, I was a little worried about the flavor. Was the Batch 8000 a one-off or just the norm for their Batch series? Well, after snooping out a six-pack, I can more than confidently say that Batch 9000 tops most other Bell’s beers, and many other beers that you will ever discover.

I had some trouble finding Batch 9000. I heard it was to be released in stores just about now, but I kind of dismissed all possibilities of finding a bottle or a six-pack. But a recent trip to Whole Foods, and after seeing some generic beer broski carrying FOUR FREAKIN’ SIX-PACKS of it made me realize I was actually going to find some. But, of course, random and generic beer broski got all the remaining bottles. (Another long side note: I love seeking out beers. As much as I hated the search for Life & Limb and how disappointed I was by the result, finding a beer you want is quite a journey when it’s not easily accessible. Same goes for the search for Batch 9000. It has a track record; it’s pretty rare; and I didn’t think I had a shot at it. Being a male, that meant I had to find it. Chalk it up to my competitive attitude in sports or my drive to prove people wrong, but whatever it was, I needed some Batch 9000. And I found it.) The beer sommelier at Whole Foods (nice guy, by the way; props to you bald and bearded beer guy at P Street) told me a case was coming in the next day, and lo and behold, I went back the next day and found a six-pack. A little steep ($19 for a sixer) but manageable nonetheless.

I chilled Batch 9000 for about a half hour. The bottles suggest aging them if you can which I think I’ll be doing with a few stray bottles, but I had to try some now. The Batch 9000 poured a dense, super dark brown that looked like it could’ve been a glass of dark maple brown sugar liquid. Even before giving the glass a dedicated sniffy-sniff, I could feel the gust of molasses. The smell was even more pronounced with my nose just centimeters from the dark hazelnut, one-finger head. And the flavor had me redefining what I thought a full-bodied, full-flavored beer. I expected a toned-down and smooth and drinkable beer, but a complete sucker-punch of bitterness and booze had me rethinking that decision very quickly (considering the Batch 9000 is 12.5% ABV, I guess I shouldn’t have been too shocked). But the flavors kept coming in distinct waves. The smooth and creamy flavor sanded down the initial crush of flavor and lightly trickled into a more than noticeable end filled with a torrential downpour of molasses with toasted roasty elements. Further investigation pushed some light hops flourishes into the middle of the brew, and maybe even the lightest sprinkling of licorice like the bottle advertises. Some were calling this an imperial stout, but I kindly disagree. This is definitely more consistent with the flavor and punch of a dark ale as opposed to an imperial stout. No complaints here, though.

After the initial toxic shock of alcohol and the concrete wall of bitterness wears off, you can find some surprisingly drinkable qualities mixed in with the multitude of flavors. This is a beer that won’t be around long and might even be gone by the time you read this. After the brew warmed, I was a little less enthused by the flavors, much like how it went with KBS. Pronounced whiskey, creamy, and almost chocolaty flavors cropped up near the end of the glass but regardless, at no point did I not want another glass of this delicacy. Even after finishing, I felt slightly tipsy. I don’t know whether it came from the high alcohol or because I was drunk with love. I like to think it was a bit of both. Or a lot of either.

Smuttynose Brewing Company in Portsmouth, NH

When we first started pouring the Smuttynose Imperial Stout out of the Smuttynose Big Beer line, we were all hoping it would be slightly better than their Maibock–it was a disappointment to say the least. And since we didn’t know much about the Smuttynose company, we did a little background research on the Imperial Stout. That’s when things started to get really strange. For some reason, this company has had a run-in with the government. A couple of them, it seems. The description of the Imperial has a couple of different caveats as they relate to Uncle Sam. The strangest one is their deletion of a word related to the description of an imperial stout, the reason given being: “Since Uncle Sam won’t allow us to describe the term Imperial Stout accurately, here’s a link to the Brewers Association Style Guidelines.” So, um, that’s weird. Also odd is the note that says you can find reviews of the Imperial on RateBeer and Beer Advocate, but that federal laws bar them from linking to the sites. Seriously, Smuttynose, how did you piss off the government like this? No other brewery is freaked out like this. Do you put anthrax in your beer? If so, keep it up, because your Imperial Stout creamed the Maibock. But what are you hiding, Smutty!?

Pouring a dark espresso color that smelled of iced Turkish coffee, the Smuttynose Imperial Stout looked like quite a fine imperial with a heaping head sitting atop the potent sludge. At least if this was going to be a poisonous or anthrax-filled beer, I’d be going out on a high note. The taste wasn’t overly sinister, though, with a good and creamy sweet-roasted chocolate taste coating the mouth almost immediately. The viscosity on this one was super high, with a good creaminess that blended well into the cascasde of chocolate malt near the endnotes. Subsequent sips made this beer seem even tamer than initially suspected, with a subtle sweetness creeping around the mouth like an intruder. The creaminess never subsided, and an almost nuget-like flavor complimented the other well-rounded elements of this beer. Not your average Imperial Stout, that’s for sure.

So maybe this beer isn’t as dangerous or scary as some of the fine print on Smuttynose’s website might suggest, but whatever the brewery did wrong to begin with, they should keep doing it. This is a prime example of an Imperial Stout that doesn’t get too wild and crazy and doesn’t fall back on overwhelming sweetness for its main character trait. This is a well-rounded and beefy stout that packs the punch of an imperial but remains drinkable. Their Maibock may have fallen flat, but the Imperial Stout is a true winner in our books. Whatever you did to piss off the government, Smuttynose, we’re big fans of. You keep on keepin’ on.

Brooklyn Brewery in Brooklyn, NY

So I’d dabbled around with some thick stouts, some worldly stouts, and some odd stouts in Michigan. But occasionally, I’m in the mood for a more dessert-based stout, and when I saw the Double Chocolate Stout from Brooklyn Brewery on the menu, I couldn’t pass it up. But, as with any beer (I feel like I’m saying this a lot these days), a fine chocolate stout is hard to make correctly. I’ve had some absolute clunkers throughout the years, as has been the case with blueberry stouts and cherry stouts and vanilla stouts. No one can seem to really hammer down the flavor balance between stout and bowl of ice cream. The first chocolate stout I tried was the Young’s Double Chocolate Stout. At the time, I thought it was delicious and creamy and had a great sweet balance to it. But it wasn’t really a stout; it was a melted and then chilled candy bar. These days, I want a beer with strong booze, thick malt, and heavier emphasis on chocolate if I’m going for a double chocolate stout. Given Brooklyn Brewery’s hype and track record, it was worth a go, and I hoped they’d make a skeptic a believer.

For a double chocolate stout, the Brooklyn version didn’t smell overly sweet or commanding, which was a good sign. In fact, it was rather difficult to find a discernible nose on the beer at all. Pouring on draught into a gorgeous snifter, the stout’s color looked spot-on, with a dark and dominant black oil spill filling the glass with just a slight espresso-colored head. The taste was the real surprise, though, with a strong and fervent roasted malt flavor crashing onto the tongue first, followed by a slight bitterness and muted chocolate notes. The alcohol was rather apparent, and having not even noticed that I was drinking a 10% ABV oil slick, this was a more than welcome surprise. Best of all, Brooklyn bonded the chocolate flavors with the malt and high alcohol perfectly. I noticed later that this is actually categorized as an imperial stout, which certainly holds true. The name on this one is awfully deceiving considering how hard it is to actually pick out the sanded-down chocolate rushes that come and go so quickly with sips. Take long and intense sips and you’ll find more chocolate, or just drink this one normally and you’ll find yourself with a grand imperial stout.

For a beer that’s this high in alcohol, supposedly super chocolatey, and looks like a bottle of ink, I could easily have a few glasses of this. I’m not sure I’ve ever encountered a more drinkable stout than the Brooklyn Double Chocolate Stout. It wasn’t the intense dessert-style beer I was looking for, but I was fine with that. Maybe I’m just not a fan of the overly sweet and robust stouts that scream CANDY! as opposed to DARK BEER! And after having the Brooklyn version, I may never go back to another chocolate stout again. Nothing will top this.

Founders Brewing Co. in Grand Rapids, MI

This beer almost made my girlfriend throw up. So we’ll start with saying that this isn’t exactly the most stout-friendly beer. This is a beer for a stout lover and a stout lover only. Sure, you might think you’re a fan of dark beer, or maybe even a fan of thick stouts. But then you give the Founders Imperial Stout a taste, and it knocks you on your ass, spits on you, and kicks your ass again just because it’s bored. Right, it’s only 10.5% ABV, but still, I dare you to take on this beer and come out unscathed. It just won’t happen.

Pouring an almost unbelievably dark, used motor oil dark of all darks, the Imperial Stout was ready for a knife fight right out of the bottle. Smelling like a bastard child of burnt coffee grounds and a thick chocolate bar, the Imperial Stout put forth a two-finger, espresso-colored head that looked more than tempting. One sip told me that this was one thick motherfucker. If you have ever thought Guinness was a dark beer, this will make you think it’s mountain-chilled bottled water. Showing a thick malty flavor, you have to swallow this one twice to get the flavor off your tongue. But if you search, and you’re hearty enough to find the intricacies, this really is a sensual, warming and a wonderfully sexy beer. Yes, it’s a hearty, beefy chunk of malty stout goodness; however, this is a sexy beer that a beer would drink. A beer’s beer, if you will.

Dessert and a light session beer is all this one would be great for. Sure, I guess you could take a chance with drinking this with a meal, but it might laugh in the face of venison or sword fight a hunk of steak. For any seasoned stout master, this is a must-have. Don’t think this beer is a tease, though. I challenge you to take on this hardy brew and push your taste buds to the limit. You’ll either be happy you did, or you’ll never touch it again. The beer’s waiting. Go for it.