Bell’s Brewing Company in Kalamazoo, MI

I think I’ve been too kind lately. I really can’t remember throwing two glowing reviews up on the site before now. I try to be more than a little critical when it comes to beer. After all, there are a lot of brews out there, so there’s no reason for me to waste your time with saying, “Yeah, this beer is just fine; you should drink it,” when I really think it’s bad. Mediocrity has no place in the beer tasting world. Take a look at any great beer store and count the number of beers you’ve never had. Hopefully that number is in the hundreds, and hopefully, I can pick out 10% of those that are significantly better than OK. The rest we shouldn’t have to deal with. So when I find a beer I really like, I have a need to share my love with the world in the form of an overly verbose feature on said fantastic beer. Enter Bell’s Batch 9000, the newest edition to the Bell’s x000s series correlating to the number of batches of beer they’ve made. I remember trying Bell’s Batch 8000 at Ashley’s in Ann Arbor with who would eventually become my girlfriend. She loved the Imperial Witbier; I thought it was beyond disgusting. So when I heard about Batch 9000 and how it was to be a Imperial Stout-esque beer, I was a little worried about the flavor. Was the Batch 8000 a one-off or just the norm for their Batch series? Well, after snooping out a six-pack, I can more than confidently say that Batch 9000 tops most other Bell’s beers, and many other beers that you will ever discover.

I had some trouble finding Batch 9000. I heard it was to be released in stores just about now, but I kind of dismissed all possibilities of finding a bottle or a six-pack. But a recent trip to Whole Foods, and after seeing some generic beer broski carrying FOUR FREAKIN’ SIX-PACKS of it made me realize I was actually going to find some. But, of course, random and generic beer broski got all the remaining bottles. (Another long side note: I love seeking out beers. As much as I hated the search for Life & Limb and how disappointed I was by the result, finding a beer you want is quite a journey when it’s not easily accessible. Same goes for the search for Batch 9000. It has a track record; it’s pretty rare; and I didn’t think I had a shot at it. Being a male, that meant I had to find it. Chalk it up to my competitive attitude in sports or my drive to prove people wrong, but whatever it was, I needed some Batch 9000. And I found it.) The beer sommelier at Whole Foods (nice guy, by the way; props to you bald and bearded beer guy at P Street) told me a case was coming in the next day, and lo and behold, I went back the next day and found a six-pack. A little steep ($19 for a sixer) but manageable nonetheless.

I chilled Batch 9000 for about a half hour. The bottles suggest aging them if you can which I think I’ll be doing with a few stray bottles, but I had to try some now. The Batch 9000 poured a dense, super dark brown that looked like it could’ve been a glass of dark maple brown sugar liquid. Even before giving the glass a dedicated sniffy-sniff, I could feel the gust of molasses. The smell was even more pronounced with my nose just centimeters from the dark hazelnut, one-finger head. And the flavor had me redefining what I thought a full-bodied, full-flavored beer. I expected a toned-down and smooth and drinkable beer, but a complete sucker-punch of bitterness and booze had me rethinking that decision very quickly (considering the Batch 9000 is 12.5% ABV, I guess I shouldn’t have been too shocked). But the flavors kept coming in distinct waves. The smooth and creamy flavor sanded down the initial crush of flavor and lightly trickled into a more than noticeable end filled with a torrential downpour of molasses with toasted roasty elements. Further investigation pushed some light hops flourishes into the middle of the brew, and maybe even the lightest sprinkling of licorice like the bottle advertises. Some were calling this an imperial stout, but I kindly disagree. This is definitely more consistent with the flavor and punch of a dark ale as opposed to an imperial stout. No complaints here, though.

After the initial toxic shock of alcohol and the concrete wall of bitterness wears off, you can find some surprisingly drinkable qualities mixed in with the multitude of flavors. This is a beer that won’t be around long and might even be gone by the time you read this. After the brew warmed, I was a little less enthused by the flavors, much like how it went with KBS. Pronounced whiskey, creamy, and almost chocolaty flavors cropped up near the end of the glass but regardless, at no point did I not want another glass of this delicacy. Even after finishing, I felt slightly tipsy. I don’t know whether it came from the high alcohol or because I was drunk with love. I like to think it was a bit of both. Or a lot of either.