Sword Swallower is sex in bottle form.  No, it’s not quite that dirty, and the taste is certainly not that superb, but Shmaltz Brewing Company’s Coney Island Sword Swallower Steel Hop Lager is quite a naughty little vanity beer.  Some companies full-heartedly rely on their bottle art to grab drinkers, and Sword Swallower is definitely a drink fully aware of graphic appeal.  Paint a girl on the label in a red, low-cut dress; stick a sword down her throat; and toss in some words like “thrust,” “mouthfeel,” and “performance,” and BOOM, you’re looking at a dirty, dirty beer.

As naughty as the beer sounded, and with the advertisement of eight separate hops, Sword Swallower had quite a build-up.  Despite having the proceeds from sales going to help Coney Island in New York, Sword Swallower turned out to be a last-call-at-the-bar-whabeert-should-I-go-home-with-tonight? kind of beer.  This Shmaltz Lager poured a fairly translucent, heavily filtered pearly-amber color that caught the light nicely.  It smelled fruity enough, and I was expecting some hits of orange and maybe a bit of spice—no such luck, though.  The eight hops began to show through up front, but considering their boasting of these eight special hops, I should feel like I’m biting into a hop plant.  Again, no such luck.  Sword Swallower actually disappeared quite quickly, and as much as I wanted something to “thrust” against my palate, or give me a throbbing “mouthfeel,” this beer was just a tease.

And so maybe it is a vanity beer and taste and method are tossed into the backseat.  Maybe the brewery is happy with raising some money for a good cause by marketing a so-so beer with sexy labeling—it got our attention after all.  The eye-popping label business model works well for Magic Hat, but the same problem plagues Magic Hat as it does Shmaltz—the bottle is the real draw here.  Bottle collectors, have at it.  Beer drinkers, leave it at the bar and head home.  You’ll feel better about it in the morning.